Do you know how hard it is to be the person you’ve always
wanted to be? I’m not talking pre college dreams, after college preparedness or
having the perfect job, career and children. Im talking ‘the person you always
wanted to be’. That person that exudes security, that can look others in the
eye and maintain a position without feeling less, that feels
well-great-good. That person that manages lifes woes with grace and always I
mean always makes time for her or himself in order to maintain balance and
complete clarity.
I remember when I was on this path. Some 17 years ago when I
left my first long term boyfriend of 6 years . I felt free. If you haven’t felt
freedom yet you must seek it out. Its different for everyone. My freedom was
simple, living life by my rules. Not all
the time, after work and school of course. But I always had access to those
moments when I felt a complete inner calm. The best way I can describe it is
that feeling you get when your out for a walk on a crisp fall day and strong
breeze blows past and washes you clean. That breeze takes away all your impurities and
imperfections and sends it into the atmosphere to be broken up by space and
time, leaving you with a sense of momentary bliss and freedom. I’m taking this feeling back….
Today, I don’t feel at all like that person. I’m almost 80
pounds heavier. I have 3 children and a husband and were sinking under
tremendous debt and financial pressure. Moments of calm have dissolved themselves
to a quick orgasm if I/we can fit it in or have the energy to actually pleasure the other. Most days its easier to rely on my fingers and porn on my phone or grab a cup of
Starbucks, which in reality does the
exact opposite and makes me feel more desperate. Why? Because I’m just trying to maintain. Ive put my needs so far on the back
burner that I've forgotten what its like
to live for me. Does this sound selfish?
It should. Every person on this planet deserves to give to
themselves. The constant pressure to give, to be for others that
penetrates the air we breathe is so stifling that we forget how important our
own interpersonal needs are.
So where do I go from here? Well, I've been on the typical
roller coaster weight loss cycle and as you can imagine I haven’t succeeded. If
I had I wouldn’t be sitting here writing with such a cynical bend. The bottom
line is this, I’ve been trying to regain myself by focusing on “loosing weight”.
“Oh if I loose weight, I’ll be confident again!” “This time when I meet my
weight goals Im going to treat myself to something special!” “When I loose weight everything is going to work out and
fall into place!” Call me dense or a dreamer but as I sit here on September 10,
2012, Day 1 of the Chicago Teachers Strike, I’m having a Eureka moment. “Hey
dumb ass, focusing on loosing weight isn’t going to get you closer to your
goals, its just going to distract you from the deeper inner issues that need
healing and are blocking you from being that slimmer you of yesterday!”
So how did I discover this? I came home, tired and grumpy as
usual. I threw dinner together for the
kids, half listened to their jokes and conversation, passed my husband a bland smile or two from across the room and went to check the
mail. J Jill, one of my favorite magazines arrived. I sat down flipped through
the pages and fantasized about how much I love their clothing line. Now, J Jill
easily carries size 16 but in my mind there's no way that I’m gonna look my best
in these outfits with my wide hips, big ass and full belly. I must be a size 12
to make these outfits work. Yep, this is the crap I tell myself without really
listening to what I’m thinking, until now. This is fucken it. If I want to be a
size 12, if this is the size that’s going to change my life than oh lord make a
commitment and begin the process.
So what do I do? I
started frantically ripping pictures out of the magazine of outfits I love and
put them on my bedroom wall around by mirror. I grab another magazine Athleta
and I clip, this time using scissors all of the fabulous yoga postures held by
gorgeous women in amazing shape and put them on my wall.I do this while telling myself to shut up for thinking self defeating thoughts like. "Uh, this is stupid" and "Really, what is this going to accomplish?". Then I grab a sharpie
and begin scribbling words that mean
something to me. “Agility”, “Strength”, “Courage”, “Speed”, “Flexibility”. I
paste them all on the wall and step back.
Well whatya know? Not one of the words I posted on my bedroom
wall included “loose weight” or "be a better you" or "get slim". At that
moment I realized HA! Ive been going about this all wrong. Loosing weight is not what I’m truly trying
to accomplish. Its regaining a sense of self a set of standards a personal
challenge that I’m missing. So that's why I'm a fat ass and posting some pictures and words on a wall have shed some necessary light.
So this is where I’m at. I feel good acknowledging
this and believe that when I tuft my curls in front of my bedroom mirror every morning and apply my makeup, or when I
walk pass the mirror to change clothes or use the washroom, I will glance at
the words on my wall and images of strong women that represent parts of my
whole and smile as I reassure myself that I’m on the right path. Ive created a
shrine that will remind me to move by body every day, create internal peace and
eat well balanced meals. The outcome I hope will be a better relationship with
myself that will lead to a better relationship with my children and my husband
and the world around me. Ive been down
this road before, trial and error has become an evil mainstay but giving up on
myself is not an option. So today I carry on with renewed ammunition against the
destructive demons that plague my psyche. Heavy I know, but it is what it is.
